I hesitate to write this given the state of the world and my obvious position of privilege. But instead, I will acknowledge it and express sincere gratitude as I forge on and express what I have been contemplating these past few weeks.
It felt like 2023 ended in a heap of exhaustion, didn’t it?
Limp bodies and sweaty faces precariously balanced against each other like a stack of pick-up sticks, wishing we had any coherent sentences left at all.
I spent my final few weeks of work with cortisol surging through my veins, sleeping poorly, hoping I’d make it to the finish line without contracting Covid for Christmas again. This, from someone who has literally been studying wellbeing in the workplace at a post-graduate level.
Something I did have the wisdom to know about myself, was that I needed to rest. And by rest, I mean, I needed to do nothing. Make no plans, have no obligations to anyone, and not listen to anyone else’s problems for a while. Unfortunately, life doesn’t often let us go obligation free. Hats off to all you parents.
One of the key recommendations in psychology to help us remain resilient, productive and to avoid burnout, is to regularly engage in activities that are purely for enjoyment.
Organisational psychologist, Adam Grant, says he no longer considers hard work a virtue, it’s a means to an end, and if you haven’t lived according to your values along your way, even if you’ve hit your goal, this isn’t really a success. Ali Abdaal, author of Feel-Good Productivity, mentions that he takes one night a week to play video games and considers this to be a great use of his time.
I’ll take their fantastic advice and raise it a “yes, and...”
What if your values require you to spend several hours a day in silent meditation just being?
What if your best and most creative work comes after sitting and contemplating a flower for a good long while? One hour a week of “me time” isn’t enough for me. Don’t get me wrong, I cherish my Saturday morning yoga and my regular evening walks on the beach. But every time I take a good long break, the epiphanies and creative ideas flow, and I wish I could do nothing so much more often.
I’ll be honest, the temptation to throw it all in and move to a one person tropical island with a talking coconut and a never-ending supply of pineapples has occured to me. Then I remember climate change and the rising sea levels.
But seriously, all too often, advice around wellbeing ignores the context from which it has been born: A western cultural context of grind. What we really need to reset our nervous systems and function at our best feels impossible to attain, or even admit that we need.
Can I get a “twenty hour work week! Hip hooray!”
In fact, according to the late Dr. David R. Hawkins, author and psychiatrist, an awful lot of people are so wired from work that being on holiday stresses them out! They don’t know what to do with themselves and become anxious to get back to things.
My suspicion is that this is similar for those who only know how to relax by making their way through a list of chores. It’s like keeping just enough of your stress hormones flowing so as to not go into cortisol withdrawal. Don’t quote me on that one but do feel free to look it up.
Perspective is everything
So, after a far from quiet and contemplative Christmas period with a house full of (hyper) active relaxers, I came home to my own quiet, little flat. The first thing I noticed was the smell. It was musty. Then I noticed the mould on the windows and window-sills. I saw my own place through the eyes of someone renting it on Airbnb and I wanted my money back. It was messy and dirty and felt way too much like my ex was still living there.
How had I not noticed this prior to going away? I knew the answer. I’d been busy. I’d been busy for countless months, no less. My life basically consists of working, studying, drinking smoothies, and listening to podcasts and books while driving. I didn’t have time for noticing, let alone cleaning properly!
And there is something really wrong with that, isn’t there? If a single, childless woman doesn’t have time to do nothing, God only knows how the rest of you are coping. Let me just say, you are incredible! And you also have my heartfelt permission to stop and rest. If my permission isn’t credible enough, have the brilliant Tricia Hersey's. She founded an organisation (The Nap Ministry) and wrote a New York Times best selling book based on the premise that rest is resistance of grind culture, and grind culture is rooted in the oppression of minorities.
A shift in perspective is more profound than we realise. And it only comes when we step out of our routines and pause. By pause, I mean really pause, for a long time. I mean sit and focus on your breath for a while, for a few hours if you need to. I mean, take some time to feel your feelings.
A friend of mine asked what I was doing with my week off and I said “I’m letting myself cry whenever I feel like it.” A wise friend, she replied “that is awesome!”
I have been using my week to process emotions that I don’t usually have time to feel and to let them go. I am noticing where my body hurts and where I need to stretch. Okay, I’ll admit it, I’m paying attention to which of my chakras are blocked too.
This level of self-awareness can’t happen when we are always on the go. And we can be on the go both mentally and physically. If it seems self-indulgent to stop, that is only because we live in a culture that shames us for it.
In fact, it is only through sitting with our emotions that we even know they are there, affecting our every thought and behaviour. Not sitting with them makes us reactive and less capable of being good humans to each other. Not sitting with them means not letting them go. It means shoving them under the proverbial bed until one day the house suddenly burns down and they are dramatically set free all at once. Wild, monsterous emotions roaming the streets.
It means not noticing that maybe we aren’t happy in our jobs or relationships.
I often wonder how many people are terrified to stop doing because it means they will need to face the fact that their perfect marriage is full of holes, or the job they worked towards for years is entirely disappointing and not at all what they expected. Well, our time in lockdown revealed a few truths, didn’t it? Let us not forget those lessons.
My goal for 2024 is to “be” more and “do” less.
I see an enormous schedule of activities looming next week, back to school and work, but my intention is to do it all with the full awareness that none of it really matters in the big picture. I’ve been reading Liz Gilbert’s “Letters from Love”, and they remind me to always zoom as far out as I possibly can. The perspective of Love or God, or universal consciousness, is a good one to take if you can get there.
Being present with those we are with, grounded, peaceful and living according to core values is all that I wish for myself and for you too. If that means hours of contemplating a flower each day, or crying when we feel like crying, we are winning folks.
Rest well everyone.
"A friend of mine asked what I was doing with my week off and I said “I’m letting myself cry whenever I feel like it.”" - oof that is a line I have said out loud all too many times! I felt reading this piece, I was reading my own journal or conversations I've had more recently in therapy. This really resonated with me and I'm also intending to pause more, rest and do so much nothing. I want to bask in all the nothingness because like you, that's where I think a lot of us begin to feel the most inspired and gain the most clarity. Like you as well, I'm also creating space to finally begin to process what all this busyness has shoved aside for the past year and allow myself to feel it all. Thank you for sharing this, Emily!